Without words, she spoke volumes

When I walked into her hospital room, I never expected her to shake her head "no" when I asked her if she knew who I was. I guess I should have, but I really never considered it. I shared a room as a child with my great grandmother and even after Alzheimer's set in, she knew who I was - far longer than she knew most other people.

I figured it'd be the same with Mommasiddie. She's never not known me. But, it happened - and it hit me pretty hard.

She had moved to the neuro floor by the time I arrived in SA and the doctors had already placed a PEG tube since she couldn't swallow. This didn't seem to bother her, so it didn't bother me either. I asked her several times if she was in pain. Sometimes she said yes, sometimes she said no. I asked her again if she knew who I was. She shook her head yes and smiled.

The 4 days I spent with her continued to be like this. Every few minutes we'd start all over. She had such a hard time talking, I just would tell her to rest and that she didn't have to talk. I was happy just sitting with her, smiling when she smiled or telling her where she was and what had happened when she looked confused.

I had been hesitant to go back to see her. I just didn't know the right thing to do, but it's one of the better decisions I've made in my life.

We shared some great moments. She took my hand and touched her face with it. Then, she'd take hers and touch mine. There were moments she was not in this world, her eyes were elsewhere. There were other moments that our eyes told stories to each other.

When she couldn't say "I love you," she pointed to her heart, then pointed at me. She's a beautiful lady, my Mommasiddie. She always has been. She took my sister's hand in one of hers and mine in the other and just smiled and looked back and forth. Without any words, she spoke volumes.

When she could communicate, she asked me to pray with her. She told me, "Ask God ." I said, "Ask God for what?" She replied, "Ask God for everything." I had later asked her, "Mom, what do you want?" She replied, "I want what God wants." She's always been such a woman of faith and when words didn't come easy for her, she still managed to talk about what is truly important to her.

The hardest moment came when Lydia told her that if she was ready to go, that she should go. She just smiled. I told her how much I loved her and that if she was ready, not to worry about Lydia and I - we'd be ok. We'd be ok because she and Boppa did a great job of raising us. I thanked her for raising us and thanked her for being my mother.

She just smiled, but it spoke volumes.

When I left that day, she said very clearly, "I love you," and she was even able to give me a kiss. I get teary-eyed just typing it and even just thinking about it.

She gave me a gift that I'll never forget. I'll never forget that in her struggling to find words, she was able to tell me she loved me. She's pretty amazing, my Mommasiddie.

Great-Mommasiddie

This week sucks. Actually, to be completely honest, 2011 has little to be desired thus far. I've been sick for more than three weeks at this point, and I'm over it. My face is raw, I blow my nose several times an hour. I wake up numerous times during the night because I can't breathe. This virus needs to leave my body - now.

On Thursday night I got a call from my sister, Lydia, saying she had received "a call" from my mother. I asked, "a call, or the call?" "A call," she stated. My stomach dropped. First off, any call from my mother is reason for nausea. She's bad news. But, this one was reporting that my grandmother was on the way to the emergency room "and it didn't look good." These are the kind of cryptic messages that are to be expected from her.

After much waiting and mind racing, Lydia reports that my grandmother has had left hemorrhagic stroke and she is currently undergoing TPA and will be moved to the ICU when it's done. She's responsive, but unable to talk.

Aaron's also been sick, and he was already in bed for the night and the girls were putting on a show for me when the call came in. I tried to remain as "normal" as possible and not let on that anything was wrong. Kids are way too intuitive though. When I got off the phone, Ellie asked, "Mommy, is your Mommasiddie ok?" At this point I didn't know about the stroke, only that she was in the ER. I took a deep breath and did my best. I told her that she was sick and had to go to the hospital. She asked me if she was going to die. I said I didn't know.

I finished watching the show and helped them get ready for bed. After a series of questions about my mother and grandmother, Ellie asked me if she was supposed to call my grandmother "Mommasiddie" or "Great-Mommasiddie." I told her she could call her whatever she wanted, but that I especially liked Great Mommasiddie. I told her that she was a great mom and that calling her that would be very appropriate.

I love my kids.